So...today I was reminded why I want to leave the house. It's really only my father. Look, no one is denying the sacrifices he's made, or the money he's shelled out for my education and all of that stuff. At the same time, I'm not going to give him a pass for being the father that HE thought was good enough. He could have left the house when I was three like his father did to him, and he didn't and for that I can semi painfully utter the fact that I am thankful.
But being a father is more than just providing a shelter, or putting up bread for private school and all of that sh*t. Being a father is spending time, getting to know and understand your child. Making your child feel comfortable around you, allowing them to share anything with you. Not being judgmental, not being self-righteous, not being selfish, and plainly not being an asshole.
He doesn't understand that his opportunity to share the crucial life wisdom with me is long gone. He had those chances when I lived in the house year round pre-college, and when I was not old enough to be able to make crucial life decisions on my own. As far as I'm concerned, I am way ahead of the curve he was on at my age, in fact he wasn't on my curve. And I am not asking for the perfect father. I know perfection isn't real. I know people will make mistakes and people need to be given forgiveness. This whole thing may sound like I am resentful as hell, but all it is is me putting everything in perspective.
He doesn't know me at all. All he talks about is God and God and God. I love God, believe in God - but sometimes I just need to talk to my father, not be reminded about God and his goodness because I am fully aware. For too long he relied on the crutch that his pops wasn't around him past the age of three, so that must means he's the bomb for having never left. I guess, but no.
When I've been away for three years in college learning literally finding myself, and fashioning my own personal beliefs, virtues, and ways to live life, when I come home is not the time for him to try and reassert himself in an attempt to salvage some of the time that you spent most of my 21 years wasting. The nature of our relationship is pretty much set in stone. I will always love him, but I've been past the point where I needed him. And I only got to that point so quickly because he allowed me to.
Save it.
I love you Evan - sorry you had to experience that - you will be a great father and husband. You are a already a great nephew. Love Aunti Sandra
ReplyDeleteI am reading the Great Gatsby - I hadn't seen the movie in years - but I was touched by the scene after Gatsby's death his father shows up. His father asked "is this my son's house" he read about his son's death in the newspaper - he talked about the Gatsby he knew - Gatsby's real name was Gat - the one only a father would know - not the personna that Gatsby presented to the world. His father cried and he and Gatsby's friend were the only two at his funeral - his father cried. Gatsby lived materially better than his father - but he didnt seem to be at peace. Find peace Evan - love your father, because his demons may haunt him sometimes, but it is not in your not needing him that will benefit you, but your forgiveness of him that will benefit you the most. That way God can work through you much easier. I for one will always love you unconditionally. You will surely benefit from my prayers Evan and you ask for Wisdom and Discernment. and honor thy parents so you may have a long life. Love Auntie Sandra
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