So, I've noticed that it is incredibly difficult for human beings to let go of the past. Whether it be their past, or the past of others, we seem to find reason to hold on to things that will remain forever fixed in time. Such an action has got to be exhausting, and additionally very time consuming. We owe it to ourselves to let go of the past.
Now I understand, there are certain things that can not be forgotten. And while this may be easier said than done, we are normally the ones that suffer the most if we remain attached to circumstances, words, and decisions that have been set in stone and won't ever be altered. Some one once said to me that "the past dictates the present, and shapes the future." That is true if you believe in causality - which most of us do. Still, on a separate occasion, it was said to me that "worry does not make the future; actions make the future."
This life is all about choices. Most of them are difficult and require us to swallow our pride in order to move on. As humans, we hate it when our mistakes, decisions, and words are thrown back in our face, especially if we are not proud of some of those things. So quickly we cast the first stone, and forget that at our very core we all exhibit the same similarities and characteristics that shape our communal identity as humanity.
We have all seen the live, laugh, love phrase. It's time we do just that. Forgive those who need your forgiveness most, and do not deny yourself the happiness that you desire more than anything. You may be the only person standing in your way to having the future that you deserve. Grant an opportunity for present actions to shape future circumstances. The past is no longer yours, but the future is yours completely.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
October Reflections
[click on "October Reflections" for a musical accompaniment]
I feel slightly awkward having not posted anything in several months. It's actually more like 6 months but it is what it is. Summer was cool and I appreciate everything it gave me. The transition between Summer and Fall is normally when I suffer from runny noses, sneezing, and weird throat annoyances, but it is also the time when Connecticut seems the most beautiful, the most peaceful, and the most comfortable. A lot of things have happened since my birthday. Some things I can change; others may remain forever fixed in the catacombs of life. Regardless, I seek this opportunity in beautiful Fall weather to examine the Man that I have become, and to improve the mentality that I exited college with. Now that I am a Man, I must put away childish things.
My mother always told me that I was impatient, irritable, and sometimes plain mean. I always would contest that there was nothing wrong with me, but that people were merely incapable of sharing my understanding of circumstances and situations. I expressed an unwillingness to acknowledge three very important truths about the lives that we share with each other on this planet: we are all imperfect, are susceptible to being unbalanced, and must gain awareness to live in peace with each other. This goes for all relationships that stem from human interaction - both personal and professional.
I wondered why people didn't like me in college, or thought that I was just a plain jerk. It's absolutely because I was. I would say, "who gives a fuck what anybody thinks?" Statements like that dug me into a hole. I was the first person wondering why it seemed like people wanted to stay away from me, and it was simply because I was like a bomb that was ready to carry out a mission of social offenses and unkindness with no regard or consideration for the feelings of those around me. I did this to family members, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, significant others. Somehow it was easier for me to go easy on people I didn't know, and in some strange sick way, I had this seemingly natural tendency to apply pressure and sometimes verbal abuse to those who I claimed to care for and love. I thought I was showing support by being critical and judgmental. Maybe people would see how I wanted better for them by me pointing out everything about them that didn't make sense to me - Absurd. This seemingly natural tendency was not natural at all, it was a sickness of the mind that I had acquired through the denial of my insecurity, and stimulated through my refusal to accept myself for who I am and others for who they are.
When you're by yourself, you have plenty of time to seek out the introspective corridors that make up the fabric of your spirit and mind. I've learned I struggle with patience, kindness, self-righteousness, sensitivity, self-image, confidence, dedication, complacency, procrastination, self-pity, self-doubt, envy, and arrogance. For the life of me, I can't figure out when I became this monster that suffers from these terrible characteristics. This isn't who God made me to be. Somewhere along the line, I chose to assume these identifying marks. It has ruined my ability to think rationally, objectively, and kindly towards others. Weed didn't help either, but I kicked that habit 174 days ago.
I'll be turning 23 this Spring, and I can't afford to continue to live this way. I decided to write down that list I mentioned in the previous paragraph, and research the definitions of each in order to identify why it is important that I reverse those cycles in my life indefinitely. Putting my action plan down on paper has made me more accountable to myself, and reminds me of the commitment I've decided to make as a Man to improve myself for my own sake, and for the sake of those I interact with on a daily basis. The Bible says Love is the greatest commandment. That's pretty simple. You don't have to believe the Bible to acknowledge the truth in that statement.
I've identified so many instances where I just get irritable because I don't feel like repeating myself, explaining myself, or maybe I just think this person should just understand this fact or situation because I do. In situations like that, I've responded like a jerk and hurt or offended many people around me. How ridiculous is that? Who am I to do such a thing? I am no different than my peers, in that we all share the common thread of human nature that unfortunately, can cripple us into misidentifying our own faults, or more dangerously, make excuses for them.
I choose now to not make excuses anymore for this awful behavior. The past 10 months, I've learned more about myself than I have in the past 21 years. I will make the next 21 even better, and even if I can't regain all that I've lost, I will gain a mentality and understanding that will serve me well for the rest of my life. This is a daily cleansing that will take time, but will be with the trial, error, and effort.
I feel slightly awkward having not posted anything in several months. It's actually more like 6 months but it is what it is. Summer was cool and I appreciate everything it gave me. The transition between Summer and Fall is normally when I suffer from runny noses, sneezing, and weird throat annoyances, but it is also the time when Connecticut seems the most beautiful, the most peaceful, and the most comfortable. A lot of things have happened since my birthday. Some things I can change; others may remain forever fixed in the catacombs of life. Regardless, I seek this opportunity in beautiful Fall weather to examine the Man that I have become, and to improve the mentality that I exited college with. Now that I am a Man, I must put away childish things.
My mother always told me that I was impatient, irritable, and sometimes plain mean. I always would contest that there was nothing wrong with me, but that people were merely incapable of sharing my understanding of circumstances and situations. I expressed an unwillingness to acknowledge three very important truths about the lives that we share with each other on this planet: we are all imperfect, are susceptible to being unbalanced, and must gain awareness to live in peace with each other. This goes for all relationships that stem from human interaction - both personal and professional.
I wondered why people didn't like me in college, or thought that I was just a plain jerk. It's absolutely because I was. I would say, "who gives a fuck what anybody thinks?" Statements like that dug me into a hole. I was the first person wondering why it seemed like people wanted to stay away from me, and it was simply because I was like a bomb that was ready to carry out a mission of social offenses and unkindness with no regard or consideration for the feelings of those around me. I did this to family members, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, significant others. Somehow it was easier for me to go easy on people I didn't know, and in some strange sick way, I had this seemingly natural tendency to apply pressure and sometimes verbal abuse to those who I claimed to care for and love. I thought I was showing support by being critical and judgmental. Maybe people would see how I wanted better for them by me pointing out everything about them that didn't make sense to me - Absurd. This seemingly natural tendency was not natural at all, it was a sickness of the mind that I had acquired through the denial of my insecurity, and stimulated through my refusal to accept myself for who I am and others for who they are.
When you're by yourself, you have plenty of time to seek out the introspective corridors that make up the fabric of your spirit and mind. I've learned I struggle with patience, kindness, self-righteousness, sensitivity, self-image, confidence, dedication, complacency, procrastination, self-pity, self-doubt, envy, and arrogance. For the life of me, I can't figure out when I became this monster that suffers from these terrible characteristics. This isn't who God made me to be. Somewhere along the line, I chose to assume these identifying marks. It has ruined my ability to think rationally, objectively, and kindly towards others. Weed didn't help either, but I kicked that habit 174 days ago.
I'll be turning 23 this Spring, and I can't afford to continue to live this way. I decided to write down that list I mentioned in the previous paragraph, and research the definitions of each in order to identify why it is important that I reverse those cycles in my life indefinitely. Putting my action plan down on paper has made me more accountable to myself, and reminds me of the commitment I've decided to make as a Man to improve myself for my own sake, and for the sake of those I interact with on a daily basis. The Bible says Love is the greatest commandment. That's pretty simple. You don't have to believe the Bible to acknowledge the truth in that statement.
I've identified so many instances where I just get irritable because I don't feel like repeating myself, explaining myself, or maybe I just think this person should just understand this fact or situation because I do. In situations like that, I've responded like a jerk and hurt or offended many people around me. How ridiculous is that? Who am I to do such a thing? I am no different than my peers, in that we all share the common thread of human nature that unfortunately, can cripple us into misidentifying our own faults, or more dangerously, make excuses for them.
I choose now to not make excuses anymore for this awful behavior. The past 10 months, I've learned more about myself than I have in the past 21 years. I will make the next 21 even better, and even if I can't regain all that I've lost, I will gain a mentality and understanding that will serve me well for the rest of my life. This is a daily cleansing that will take time, but will be with the trial, error, and effort.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
New Beginnings
Greetings. My life has been quite interesting since I last posted, and I'm not even sure when that was. My weeks are filled with daily commutes, paying bills, and steadily working towards my true professional goals in music. It seems like things are falling into place in a way that can only be divinely orchestrated, but still I must continue to do my part so that I can see the dream being fulfilled all the way through. We often stop short of our dreams, desires, and needs when we don't act to achieve them. It is so easy to say we need or want something, but it's more than difficult to work towards it when everything around you seems to be telling you it wont happen and that you are wasting your time.
Don't fall victim to that line of thinking. Purpose to do everything in your power to achieve everything you need and want. Write it down on a list and start doing something every day to get there - and let God take care of the rest. Burdens have to be cast on him because we can't carry the load on our own - we are Human Beings, weak and fragile in nature. But we can be strong and have everything that is ours if we approach the situations that life presents us in the proper way. I'm not sure how all of this applies to those of you who are reading, but I hope it helps you see some things through in your life. It's your life to live.
Don't fall victim to that line of thinking. Purpose to do everything in your power to achieve everything you need and want. Write it down on a list and start doing something every day to get there - and let God take care of the rest. Burdens have to be cast on him because we can't carry the load on our own - we are Human Beings, weak and fragile in nature. But we can be strong and have everything that is ours if we approach the situations that life presents us in the proper way. I'm not sure how all of this applies to those of you who are reading, but I hope it helps you see some things through in your life. It's your life to live.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
A Long Awaited Update
Greetings. This has been an interesting 2 months since my last post. A lot of things have been going on. God has definitely been blessing me. School ended with a bang, and I made it out after having the best semester of my college career - about a 3.65 overall. I had plans to attend graduate school but that didn't work out the way I hoped it would, but things happen the way they are supposed to. I still want to call them [The New School] and find out exactly why they denied me..but more on that later.
Through graduation money, I was able to finance the construction of a massive multi-media computer based on Windows 7 64bit. It is straight beast - I'll put it up against any iMac that you think may be more powerful and I guarantee my computer will crush it. [Quad-core i5, 4gb Ram (can go up to 16gb), 1 TB HD, USB 3.0, Firewire, Surround Sound - all for less than $800] It's been a pain trying to reconfigure all of my software on this machine, but its proven to be rewarded at the same time. This "studio" is really beginning to take shape. All I need now is a microphone, which I will be purchasing in the coming months. The first thing I will do in the meantime is work on my Re-Mastered Version of Prince's "Purple Rain" album - it's long over due.
God found me a job at Verizon. I'm very thankful because I know there are people who have been out of school for over a year who still are without employment. Entering the workforce is exciting because now I can really make some MONEY - and my studio now has corporate sponsorship: i.e. money from Verizon = studio equipment. But unfortunately that won't be the only expenditure that I'll need to attend to. Student loans will begin very soon, and so will my car note and other assorted bills that I will need to pay. Still I will count it all joy, I could have nothing to be thankful for and I have so much. I hope you all are thankful for the things you have, because there are many people who would kill for the lives most of us are privileged to have.
Purple Rain Remastered coming soon...
Through graduation money, I was able to finance the construction of a massive multi-media computer based on Windows 7 64bit. It is straight beast - I'll put it up against any iMac that you think may be more powerful and I guarantee my computer will crush it. [Quad-core i5, 4gb Ram (can go up to 16gb), 1 TB HD, USB 3.0, Firewire, Surround Sound - all for less than $800] It's been a pain trying to reconfigure all of my software on this machine, but its proven to be rewarded at the same time. This "studio" is really beginning to take shape. All I need now is a microphone, which I will be purchasing in the coming months. The first thing I will do in the meantime is work on my Re-Mastered Version of Prince's "Purple Rain" album - it's long over due.
God found me a job at Verizon. I'm very thankful because I know there are people who have been out of school for over a year who still are without employment. Entering the workforce is exciting because now I can really make some MONEY - and my studio now has corporate sponsorship: i.e. money from Verizon = studio equipment. But unfortunately that won't be the only expenditure that I'll need to attend to. Student loans will begin very soon, and so will my car note and other assorted bills that I will need to pay. Still I will count it all joy, I could have nothing to be thankful for and I have so much. I hope you all are thankful for the things you have, because there are many people who would kill for the lives most of us are privileged to have.
Purple Rain Remastered coming soon...
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Birthday Reflections
As I finish the celebration of my 22nd birthday, I can only begin to reflect on the previous year in hopes that I will learn some new things and become a better human being. I've tried to think intently about my actions and relationships over the past 365 days...some of which is exciting, and some of which is troubling. As I get older, and examine myself more closely, I am really beginning to see some of the issues that I have, but more importantly, how these issues can be quickly fixed if I put forth the appropriate effort. Selflessness is a skill-set that I am slowing trying to master. At times, people can find it quite difficult to think outside of themselves, but there are times to be selfish and there are times to roll with the punches. I have a problem with dealing with sudden change and surprises. I don't like having to deal with situations that I can't control. I have a fairly abrasive nature that tends to push people away from me and simultaneously, I force myself into isolation. The most frightening part is that these characteristics have become almost second nature to me. I asked myself: where did this come from? How did it get this bad? Who or what am I damaging as a result of this thought process?
Unequivocally, I deduced that this comes from an insecurity of self, and a twisted and yet conscious effort to disregard feelings of others in order to protect myself. I was being damaged, and my relationships were being affected as well. I decided that I don't want to spend my big 22 living the same way, thinking the same way, or treating those around me the same way. I want to turn 23, and be able to quantify the change that I instituted into my lifestyle, my thoughts, and my personal connections with those around me. Self reflection is a major piece in growing as an individual. The way you see the world is not the only way the world is seen. Therefore, one cannot go through life acting as such. Life will become more difficult, more stressful, less meaningful, and not as enjoyable.
I can only purpose to analyze my mistakes and more importantly, change them into strengths. As we get older, we must get stronger, wiser, and more efficient with the ways in which we lead our lives. If we don't do that, then what's the point of living? How can you do great things, if you can't do the little things?
Unequivocally, I deduced that this comes from an insecurity of self, and a twisted and yet conscious effort to disregard feelings of others in order to protect myself. I was being damaged, and my relationships were being affected as well. I decided that I don't want to spend my big 22 living the same way, thinking the same way, or treating those around me the same way. I want to turn 23, and be able to quantify the change that I instituted into my lifestyle, my thoughts, and my personal connections with those around me. Self reflection is a major piece in growing as an individual. The way you see the world is not the only way the world is seen. Therefore, one cannot go through life acting as such. Life will become more difficult, more stressful, less meaningful, and not as enjoyable.
I can only purpose to analyze my mistakes and more importantly, change them into strengths. As we get older, we must get stronger, wiser, and more efficient with the ways in which we lead our lives. If we don't do that, then what's the point of living? How can you do great things, if you can't do the little things?
Sunday, February 28, 2010
the 2010 Lover
As I begin this post, I'm not exactly sure what I want to say, or how I want to say it for that matter. Still, I feel the urge to put down some words in regards to how my life has me feeling at this moment. Every day I realize more and more that I am imperfect and it kills me. Being a perfectionist is an impossible task when you exist in a world built upon imperfections. We wander through life trying to find sustaining value that will keep our heads up high when we want to lower them in shame, and sometimes the sources of clarity and peace that we gravitate towards can simply be mirages of hope that will be snatched away when things are at their toughest.
It's so hard to trust when it seems that when you are at your worst, people want to vanish from your side - when in fact it should be those that claim to Love you that want to see you all the way through the process of really overcoming the difficulties and discomfort that affect our lives in ways that only as individuals can we understand. To Love is not to be around when people are at their best: Love is the act of unconditional sacrifice. You should never use the word until you know what it really means. Those who are distrusting of the inconstant world in which we live, will never learn to trust or Love if they expect everything to be perfect, and then run when the realities of life's imperfect nature, and Love's uncertain character, is revealed to them.
We don't have many chances to Love - truly Love - in our lifetimes. We can't be so quick to pass up opportunities to experience one of the greatest pleasures life can offer a human being, nor can we be so quick to withdraw when those we have claimed to Love have hurt us simply out of their own fear and insecurity about Love and life. I'm not talking about cheating, simply about insecurities and improvements of self. One should be the sustaining force that heals that fear, and quells that insecurity, thereby strengthening the bond that has been set in place until it is fortified and unmovable. If one ever thought true Love would be easy then there may need to be further clarification; likewise, to a certain point one must be willing to objectively adjust their state of mind to understand the shortcomings of those who are closest to them, and not retreat for their own sake - since this will void the claims of Love and commitment that was once claimed to be given and shared.
It's so hard to trust when it seems that when you are at your worst, people want to vanish from your side - when in fact it should be those that claim to Love you that want to see you all the way through the process of really overcoming the difficulties and discomfort that affect our lives in ways that only as individuals can we understand. To Love is not to be around when people are at their best: Love is the act of unconditional sacrifice. You should never use the word until you know what it really means. Those who are distrusting of the inconstant world in which we live, will never learn to trust or Love if they expect everything to be perfect, and then run when the realities of life's imperfect nature, and Love's uncertain character, is revealed to them.
We don't have many chances to Love - truly Love - in our lifetimes. We can't be so quick to pass up opportunities to experience one of the greatest pleasures life can offer a human being, nor can we be so quick to withdraw when those we have claimed to Love have hurt us simply out of their own fear and insecurity about Love and life. I'm not talking about cheating, simply about insecurities and improvements of self. One should be the sustaining force that heals that fear, and quells that insecurity, thereby strengthening the bond that has been set in place until it is fortified and unmovable. If one ever thought true Love would be easy then there may need to be further clarification; likewise, to a certain point one must be willing to objectively adjust their state of mind to understand the shortcomings of those who are closest to them, and not retreat for their own sake - since this will void the claims of Love and commitment that was once claimed to be given and shared.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Big Booty Judy
I've been listening to R&B for as long as I can remember. 'Sweet Love' by Anita Baker was the first song I remember singing (thanks to my father) and since then, I have always loved the genre that in theory is DEDICATED to Love and the expressions of it. Call me a sap if you want, my iTunes is deep and diverse so I wouldn't try it. Point being, Chris Brown is the King of R&B. I don't care about Rihanna; I don't care about Trey Songz; I don't care that Graffiti didn't sell as well as his previous 2 albums. While Trey's voice may have a more aesthetically pleasing tone, his vocal performance capabilities in comparison to Mr. Brown are, plainly put, quite limited. Not to mention, Trey's musical pallet that he has presented in his first 3 albums and several mixtapes, is quite cliche and reminiscent of a recycled R&B tradition that stems from R. Kelly in the early 1990s. My A&R/Dominican Cousin Pedro would disagree with me but, whatever.
Most girls are going to hate me for saying these things, but most of them are probably just looking at his physical appearance, are satisfied with his mediocre musical presentations because of the point previously stated, and aren't listening to the records. Yes, records - not songs. A song is what the public hears; records are listening to songs from a comparative and creative perspective: e.g. a movie vs. a film.
Enough about all of that. Chris dropped a mixtape on Valentine's Day called "In My Zone". My favorite tracks are "Don't Lie", "Glow In The Dark", and last but not least, "Big Booty Judy". I'm not normally the fan of ignorant goon influenced/crunk R&B but this mixtape is a tribute to just that, in conjunction with a well designed plea to his female fans across the world to enjoy listening to his musical love-making side on V-Day. You can get the download here. This post could probably be better, but that's what tomorrow is for. Peace Family.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Leave It In the Past
So 2010 has brought me some interesting things...
I've already learned some very valuable lessons in 2010. We've got to learn how to leave the past in the past. As human beings we can do a bad job of moving on with life, and forgetting those times when things didn't go our way, people hurt us, or we just plainly made bad decisions. Our inability to move on with our own trials and bullshit in life can effect the ones we Love way more than we realize at times. Recently, I hurt someone close to me because of my inability to let go of the past. Its particularly bad since I am the one always stressing how people need to move on and not dwell on things that will remain unchanged for the rest of time. Think about that next time you start to think about insignificant things. Its a waste of energy to give precedence to thoughts, words, and actions that should remain buried in the calendar. No one wants to hurt the people we Love, so simply put, don't do it. We all make choices and have the ability to reason about what is necessary and what is insignificant. You will have a hard time growing as an individual if you don't learn these things, and that will only impede your ability to grow in the close personal relationships - romantic and platonic - that we all deep down know that we desire and need.
That is all, more later....
I've already learned some very valuable lessons in 2010. We've got to learn how to leave the past in the past. As human beings we can do a bad job of moving on with life, and forgetting those times when things didn't go our way, people hurt us, or we just plainly made bad decisions. Our inability to move on with our own trials and bullshit in life can effect the ones we Love way more than we realize at times. Recently, I hurt someone close to me because of my inability to let go of the past. Its particularly bad since I am the one always stressing how people need to move on and not dwell on things that will remain unchanged for the rest of time. Think about that next time you start to think about insignificant things. Its a waste of energy to give precedence to thoughts, words, and actions that should remain buried in the calendar. No one wants to hurt the people we Love, so simply put, don't do it. We all make choices and have the ability to reason about what is necessary and what is insignificant. You will have a hard time growing as an individual if you don't learn these things, and that will only impede your ability to grow in the close personal relationships - romantic and platonic - that we all deep down know that we desire and need.
That is all, more later....
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