Needs, Wants, and Desires.

Needs:

I need clarity, honesty, truthfulness, reality, maybe even trust. I need the path to be made known to me. I need to attain the girl of my dreams. I need to find the authenticity in life. I need to understand institutional flirting. I need to be a better man. I need to know what a real man is. I need to not be influenced by those who influence me. I need to be sharper than I've ever been. I need to get this beauty out of my head. I need to stop chasing things I can't have.

Wants:

I mostly want things I can't have. I want things that take time. I want patience to unmarry virtue. I want to relive most of my life. I want to make changes that will benefit lives. I want to discover my destiny. I want to be selfless. I want a fleet of Audis. I want her - still. I want many of them - always. I want to not want all of them. I want to be freed from emotional bondage. I want to be able to put skepticism aside. I want to trade in some of my thoughts for some of yours.

Desires:

I desire #1. I desire peace, tranquility, rest, iced tea, a second chance times a dozen. I desire the ability to not remember every significant - or rather insignificant - emotional interaction and/or disturbance I've ever had in my life dating back to age 4. I desire status from the status quo. I desire a cure from my previous statement. I desire acknowledged purpose. I desire a Tuesday through Friday work week. I desire more than I have. I desire more wisdom and awareness of self. I desire some things I can't mention in this sentence. I desire a better way to end this post.

"Motion" - New Music

Greetings. This post is about a very personal piece of music that I have released to the world today. It represents some of my most favorite musical styles, sounds, and personal ideas. Additionally, I would like to note that this record symbolizes a personal battle that I have won. It was a battle of self-discovery, self-reliance, confidence, and faith. I hope that everyone finds a piece of this Groove to attach to, so that it's sound can travel farther than I ever imagined. Share with friends if you enjoy!

Summer Social Commentary

Greetings. I have a lot to say to let's get to it. This post is about to be real raw. I am so torn about how I feel about my life at this moment, it's ridiculous. This is the most discombobulated I have been ever. I have been blessed with what sometimes feels like a curse: a powerful memory. I remember everything. I remember every time I've been slighted, disrespected, ignored, made fun of, not taken seriously - everything. If you are reading and you know me, and you think I'm kidding - try me. As of late, I have been getting treated like crap by some people who I thought had my back.

Before I continue, I want it to be known that I am not perfect, and I am guilty of being an asshole on plenty of occasions, and certainly I have dropped the ball more than one time. Nonetheless, it's truly impressive to me that these people in question, are people who have come out of their mouth and stated that they always wanted me in their life because of the value I added. This is a value I may not have seen in myself, but value that can benefit the lives of others regardless. I am usually happy to oblige such requests as long as I don't feel like I'm being taken advantaged of.

However, I've learned as my twenties have progressed, that people honestly deep down don't care about anyone or anything except themselves and how they feel in the moment. Living in the moment is the greatest weakness of humanity. You know we live in a society now where people say "you only live once" and things like that. That is obviously true. However, this living in the moment thing has pros and cons. People are so quick to act on their feelings that they ignore the facts about a situation. The fact is, that feelings are not facts. And if someone adds priceless value to your life, how can you be so quick to judge them when the wind blows in the other direction? How you feel, does not make a difference to those around you. And those who claim the contrary prove my point further, as they are living in the moment, and will soon forget those words at their earliest convenience.

See, don't be an asshole to me and then expect me to forget. I won't. Don't whine to me about the things I do, and then act brand new if I bring one of my concerns up at a later time. It is truly AMAZING to me how evident the putridness of human nature has become since my big 21. Don't get me wrong, humans have been compromised since the Garden of Eden, I just didn't have the awareness until about 3 years ago. Every single day I encounter situations and circumstances that actually leave me flabbergasted, wondering how people can be so caught up in their own la-la land and can change things up on you in an instant. One minute I am high on the list, the next I am not even given the courtesy of a response to a text or a phone call.

I will remember these things. I like to believe that this social tribulation in life is a direct result of the greatness that is to come for me. Being back home in New Haven was supposed to be a joy post Wesleyan. It has turned into a burden. My only real desire is to be taken seriously and it seems like those who have known me the longest and the most intimately, are those most resistant to honor that request. Shameful, because long after you have forgotten, and the cyclical time clock brings you back around and interested in my friendship once again, I'll be forced to review the film and re-evaluate from scratch. It's unfortunate for others that they live in the moment and aren't thinking about the truth of the matter, which is what you do to me today will effect how I will treat you tomorrow. And when you bring this up, people are quick to say, "Why are you still holding on to that? That was so long ago. That doesn't matter anymore - stop being bitter", etc... Save it. The asshole in me is by request only - never volunteered.

Showing up for friendship camp when it's convenient for you, after showing your ass and all of its colors, is not an option. If someone's friendship if valuable to you, make sure you show them and not just tell them. Because words are the very thread by which lies are sewn together. Until next time...

New Music for the Ages

Greetings everyone. It is time to update the world on my life. I have still been dealing with procrastination, but I am no longer engaged in a battle. Slowly but surely my ability to manage my time better has increased exponentially, but make no mistake its probably the hardest thing I've done in my life. I have been very busy trying to put all of these businesses together, and my biggest focus at the moment is Black Case Recordings.

See, I want nothing more than to make music, my day job, and I am in the production phase of that journey. I am doing my best to put out good music, consistently enough to keep people wanting more, but not to the point where people get annoyed of my sound. Running a record label with a very loose business model to follow might be dangerous, but it is also fun, because successes and failures reside in every new opportunity. I do my best to promo the records in the marketplace before they drop, and every time I've put out music, I have received an increase in listens, and downloads. That is all a man can really hope for at this point. This struggle is exhausting and sometimes very discouraging, but fully rewarding in the fact that I know, one day, it will all be worth it. I only wish that I had some guideline to follow on the timing by which I should release this music. Of course, this is the "New Music Industry" though, so such a guideline might not only be outdated, but essentially useless.

As you may know, I released a song on Valentine's Day 2012 called "Can't Get Enough" featuring vocals from the lovely Janay Sylvester and production from Deadmau5 and Kaskade, taken from their song called "I Remember". I decided to make an EP of remixes from this record, and my previous release "Test Me", and release them all together at some point this Summer. To promote for that release, today I have dropped the Antmaestro Edit of "Can't Get Enough" featuring the original vocals. This new mix is completely revamped with a Dance/Pop/House feel. There will be an extended Dance Edit sent out to various DJs around the world. This version of the song, really brings the vocals and integrity of the record to the next level. If you know me well, you know that I am ALWAYS trying to get to the next level. But what else is new? Complacency is the enemy of success.

Anyway, this is "evanRevealed x Janay - Can't Get Enough (Antmaestro Edit)". And we are making a run for the upcoming FIFA 13 Soundtrack! Please comment and share with all your friends if you like it. Enjoy!

Download this song here.

A Man Battling With Procrastination

Greetings all. It has been quite some time since I posted. I suppose that's obvious though and unnecessarily stated. I have been a bit resistant to writing any blog posts recently, and I am not sure why. Perhaps it is because I am overwhelmed with the tasks set in front of me, and I would rather allow myself not to act, then to face certain difficulty by trying to accomplish all of these things on my own. These things are mostly the entrepreneurial efforts that I have involved myself in which include but are not limited to: a record label [Black Case Recordings], a non-profit scholarship fund [Imagine You Scholarship Fund], editor of a blog [www.musionology.com], and some other things that will remain unnamed...nonetheless, things get stressful. I view this time in my life as a part of my growth process, though I suppose all of our lives are spent in some sort of a growth process. Heading into my mid-twenties certainly will be no different. My biggest goal in 2012 was to be more efficient, and to complete tasks as I set them. Procrastination is a killer, literally, of all things good and decent in our world. The human condition is such that we can feel sorry for ourselves if things do not happen in our time frame, or in this case, if the time frame is within our control but the required effort will use energy that we'd like to invest elsewhere. For example, today is Thursday - on Thursdays I play Call of Duty: Modern Warefare 3. It would be my hope to play the game until I rack up at least 500 kills. Unfortunately, playing COD for 6 hours is absurd and a waste of time. Instead I spent the day being productive, cleaning my room, sending overdue e-mail correspondence, and generally tasking myself to complete a fairly significant laundry list of items that could have been done 6 days ago. Interestingly, my biggest "supposed" consumer of energy (not quite true since energy can be neither created nor destroyed, only transferred) is the music. I wanted to run a label full-time, and I got my wish! But damn! Can a dude get a staff? I've been trying to find an intern, but it takes a really dedicated individual to prioritize responsibilities that they can neither see, nor interact with on a daily basis. Needless to say, the potential interns from NYC and ATL did not work out, though I learned many valuable lessons in both of those interactions. I am beginning to ramble so I am going to wrap it up. Basically, if you take a risk, be ok with the risk. Purpose to maximize the return on your investment, and stick to your plan to make it happen as quickly as possible. Why are we all waiting? Maybe the road less traveled is difficult, but it is certainly less crowded when success crosses your path - so be ready.

Picking a Lane.

As I am on the verge of releasing new music, I have reached an interesting crossroads. I had a conversation with a friend of mine who is involved in the music industry, and he basically told me that I needed to pick a lane. This would mean, that I would have to choose which side of Evan I would like the public to know, musically. This stems from the fact that I love Electronica, House, R&B, Soul, and Hip/Hop - and I am interested in making records across all 5 of those genres. More specifically, I intend to dispel the assumptions and disregard of House music in particular, by fusing it into the genres listed after it on the line above, because if you don't know...House music is black.

Be real, many people of color don't like "House" music. They think it's "white" music. They would rather listen to the watered down, over-sexed, copy-catting, materialistic modern remnant of classic Hip/Hop that is now categorized as "Urban" music, or "Rap" music. For the record, Hip/Hop is not Rap, and a rapper is not an MC, but I digress. The real point is, House music is black. The origins of House music come out of New York and Chicago, where BLACK DJs were spinning Disco records in clubs. These clubs would go all night long, LITERALLY until the sun came up, unlike now a days where it will probably get shut down because of fisticuffs. Back then, everything was about the music. The term House music came from a club in Chicago called "The Warehouse" where a resident DJ known as Frankie Knuckles - a Black man - routinely took the music and the crowd to the next level with his powerful dance mixes. He was originally from New York, and when the music he played was distributed into local record shops, it was labeled "House" music because it was being played by Knuckles in "The Warehouse".

When DJs like Knuckles started running out of Disco records to mix, because the era of Disco was ending, it was around the same time that music technology as we know it today began to evolve into it's earliest forms - drum machines, synthesizers, vox boxes, etc. So these DJs, some of whom were producers, and regular fans of the music who just decided to experiment musically at home, began to stretch the boundaries of Disco and fuse it with the emerging music technology of the day. The end result yielded completely new versions of classic Disco records that would revitalize the dance-floor, and simultaneously spawned new genres of music - still, all based in Disco - which is based on Soul, which is based on Negro spirituals.

After spawning the original "Techno" genre of 1980s Detroit - originated by Derrick May, a Black man - this music started to make it's way across the Atlantic Ocean, as these DJs and producers were beginning to collaborate and perform with other musicians across the world. The first stop was in Europe, where an entire new takes on the genre emerged: Drum n Bass, Synth Pop, Electro, New Wave, French House, Ambient House, Progressive House, and most famously as the 90s emerged, Trance. Now you may listen to this music now, and wonder how this came out of Disco. The secret truly lies in the rhythms of the music. All of these genres listed above share different tempos, chord progressions, arrangements, instrumentation and orchestration - but they all share the same drum beat, the famous "1-2-3-4" which is straight out of the black Disco records of the crates of1970s and 1980s New York and Chicago based black DJs, who heard the music for what it was, and purposed to share it with the world.

House music is a feeling, not a genre. "Urban" music today, I swear, needs a revitalization. It is too cut throat, too commercialized, too dismissive its roots. It has fed our generation a lie, that we cannot think outside of the box musically, and enjoy music, purely for its enjoyment and for the feeling it gives us. It has turned into a popularity contest, a "look how cool I am because I heard this song and learned all the lyrics before you" environment. We place emphasis on the materialism and "fake wealth" that is abundant in our society, particularly in the "Urban" community. My goal is only to make music that makes me feel good, and hopefully make you expand your musical pallet beyond the borders and boundaries that you may have set up, or that may have been set up for you without you even asking. Music is one of the most powerful gifts ever given to human beings, and we need to get back to it being about the music - that feel good music.

I will pick a lane, but it will be a lane that may have very little paving. I don't want to give up the music that I want to share, based on the careers of people who came before me, who never even attempted to accomplish what I intend to - that to me, would make no sense. So I will cover all "genres" since that's what we call them, and fuse them into the genre of "Evan Huggins", full of a tone and undeniable cohesion that will force the closed-box listeners outside of their box. Soul, R&B, Hip/Hop, House, Electronica, are all me. That's why it pains me when I hear black people say, "why do you listen to that white people music?" Then I have to remember, that not everyone knows the truth. But now you do.

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...And for further reading... House Music Wikipedia Article

Character. Trust. Weakness.

It's been a while folks. A lot has been going on. I've been learning a lot of things as I move through this career progression. I am pursuing my media consulting business full time. It's time that I be happy with my job on a daily basis. I encourage you all, especially if you're young, don't chase the money. If you do what you love, the money will come. So cliche and simple sounding, but it's one of the truest statements to ever be made. I never thought I would see the day when I would be able to leave the protective custody of the status quo, and be an entrepreneur - but the day has come. The three words that make up the title of this entry, have helped me get to this point. The only other word that was instrumental, and missing from the title is God. I need to say that without God, I would not be able to have or use these talents to replace my income in the way that I have, and for that I am grateful. Now, as far as Character is concerned... Character is defined as: 1. the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing. 2. one such feature or trait; characteristic. 3. moral or ethical quality: a man of fine, honorable character. 4. qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity: It takes character to face up to a bully. 5. reputation: a stain on one's character. There were many times when I was unsure of my character, and thus unsure of self. I had many ideas, thoughts, and dreams about how I wanted to live my life post Wesleyan, and I had no clear vision of how I would accomplish it. I learned that there is a difference between traits and skills, and with the combination of both, I had all I needed to be successful. Success is a state of mind, not a state of being or circumstance. It's not materialism or hedonism. It is the way you view your circumstances, and learn how to direct them to achieve goals for yourself. I was afraid to uncover the character that makes up Evan Huggins, and in some ways I still am. I was afraid to put out music because I didn't know how my broad tastes would appeal to the masses, but I have decided - I don't care. I was hesitant to talk about how much I enjoy social media, as I didn't want to be known as the dude who spends all his time on Twitter - except that now it's helping me pay my bills. Never be afraid of your character. It needs to be decoded, refined, and then DEfined. You need to have an awareness of self to find success for yourself. Don't be afraid to do so. Trust is key. I am doing to digress slightly to make the following point: trust is based on comfort, not truth. I had a conversation a while ago with one of my peers. I don't remember the entire conversation, but I do know that when it was all said and done I realized that we don't trust people because they are trustworthy, we trust them because they have our comfort level at an all time high. Example, what human being do you know that has proven themselves to be completely trustworthy, truly, undoubtedly trustworthy? I don't know such a human being. With that being said, we can't go through life living by that principle, or else we would never survive. We need relationships and bonds to help us navigate situations and circumstances as they arrive. Life is a huge walk of faith. Anyone can let you down, and it is that fear that paralyzes so many of us from reach our successes. Do not let the fear of trusting other paralyze you. You all have no idea how much I'm talking to myself right now but I am. Furthermore, trust yourself! Trust your instincts. Fill yourself with positive things, surround yourself with productive people. Pray. Stay away from non-sense. Pursue things that will improve your quality of life. Don't settle for garbage. Trust that things will be alright. You have to change your way of thinking, if you ever want your circumstances to change. I hope that was coherent... Lastly, weakness. Weakness is huge. Nobody likes talking about how they suck at something. However, the longer your procrastinate on this particular issue, the more of your own time you will be wasting. Let's say you need to write a paper. You are good at writing and conveying your thoughts in a clear, concise, and coherent manner - but you suck at research. I might suggest that you spend the bulk of your time seeking assistance to improve that trait. Mastering your weaknesses will accelerate your ride to success. If there's a hole in your bucket, wouldn't you want to plug it? The alternative is letting massive amounts of water drain and the entire act of carrying water will be defeated and useless. Don't make your traits and skill-sets useless but allowing your weaknesses to kill them before they can blossom. Common areas would include: procrastination, shyness, arrogance, being critical of others, talking too much, when you should be listening, selfishness, etc. I'm sure there are many more, and as I think of more I will add them to this post. But I'm sure you get the point. Has your mother been constantly reminding you about something that you do or say that is unfriendly or unkind? Or maybe you are mature enough to examine yourself, and to see, hey I am a huge procrastinator. I'll tell you, that was my biggest problem. I was afraid of being productive. I was afraid of trying something different, of stepping outside of my comfort zone. Honestly, the greatest breakthroughs in my life in regards to my self confidence and my successes, came when I stopped allowing myself to feel sorry for myself - I became the monkey on my own back. Be the monkey on your back. Stop making excuses for yourself. Or you could continue to do so. If you are content with living a life of mediocrity and dullness, being unfulfilled and miserable, that's the recipe. If you have greatness inside of you that won't go away, but you haven't reached it yet, I bet that there is something you need to change - and it's probably you. Don't forget to ask God for his help since he put those things inside of you. That's all folks.

Do's and Dont's

My mother just told me that I am afraid to fail, and she might be right, but I can't put my finger on it. I don't know what I want with my life, and that statement might provide some insight as to why. Taking a leap of faith for your dreams is a bit unnerving. What would I do for my dreams? What won't I do for my dreams? How can I take the leap, without leaving myself completely out to dry? Or, is being left out to dry the only way to take a leap of faith?

....

I started that entry on June 22, and then stopped because I didn't know what else to say. It is now July 4, and what I do know a few weeks later, is that I am afraid to make decisions. Decisions are the fabric of our lives. We hide from them, rush them, regret them, cherish them. As we get older, we hopefully get better at them. Truthfully I am terrified of them, because I fear failure. I have big goals, and the thought of me fumbling opportunities like I have in the past, keeps me from fulfilling the dreams that I have for my future. Though I acknowledge this issue, facing and changing it effectively and permanently is far more challenging than I hoped it would be.

I encourage those of you who are faced with life changing decisions to take your time making them, but do not become frozen by fear. Fear is a paralyzing lie that will trick you into pursuing nothing. Fear also leads to excuses. Some of you know that "excuses are tools of incompetence used to build monuments of nothing." There is great truth in that statement. Unless you want to acknowledge that right at this moment, as you read this blog, that you want your life to be a monument of nothing, then you must embrace decision making in all forms. Appreciate the ability to have a say over what you do and where you go, as opposed to these decisions being made for you. It is a great privilege to have freedom of choice, it is one we must not take for granted, and one that we must not run from. Our purpose is embedded in the decisions we make, so make them wisely.

Obama and the Veil of Ignorance.

I just need to state a few quick things about President Obama. What I never enjoyed about his rise to the presidency is the way he seemed to mask the true face of politics to the generation that got him elected. Many of my peers seem to be entranced by his healthcare, and bedazzled by his leadership in areas of national security. This is all well and good. However, his supporters seem to be clouded in ignorance, and shielded by the fact that their decision to elect him was based more on the choice between the lesser of two "perceived" evils, than the choice for a properly fitting and well suited presidential nominee.

Now I did NOT want McCain to be president - that needs to be made clear. But honestly folks, do you not see that Obama is a politician just like the rest? The timing of this "raid" was impeccable - umm pre-election uproar? His strategy is no different than any other elected official - to push an agenda, most of which is secret. If you think everything that leaves that man's mouth is the truth then you're an idiot real talk. Sorry.

This veil of ignorance is troubling me. I hear so many of my peers not mention a WORD about Obama until he comes on TV and says he did a good thing. Ok, good things are obviously great. Osama being killed needed to be done and I am glad it was handled. But don't argue with me about the flawlessness of a presidency that you only care to pay attention to when he comes on the screen every 4 to 6 weeks! Come on! Do you read the paper? Do you watch MSNBC? Do you ever peep Fox? Rush Limbaugh? The point is, do you actually purpose to expose yourself to a diversified opinion about his politics in order to at least make a clear and sound judgement and viewpoint that is not solely based on racial peer pressure and generational social anxieties about past presidents?

Don't be a fool. Don't argue with me about how he is so great, when I know you don't know shit about politics outside of the 1 perspective you live inside of because its "safe". He is human so just be real - consider the good with the bad and don't act like he has done anymore or ruined any less of the lives of some citizens that you may not have ever met, or known to exist. Because this last is vast, and the whole world's agenda cannot be satisfied. But just dont live in ignorance. There is no proof that he is the most viable candidate for 2012 - yet. Let him prove himself.

Pay ATTENTION for the next year or so. Read about his administration daily. Take note on the speeches he makes that don't interrupt Celebrity Apprentice. Really investigate his views on foreign policy and health care. Don't just start running your mouth when you don't actually know anything because that makes you look foolish. Because most of the republicans that argue against him are probably more informed than some of the people I've seen sing his praises without knowing one significant fact about his administration besides his promotion of "Change". Don't make an opinion on the entire book, and you've only seen the first 10 pages because it's an easy read.

Purpose.

I have been told many times that I need to decide what I want to do, that I need to focus my efforts in one particular direction so that I do not become overwhelmed with frustration if I can not accomplish everything that is swirling around in my head.

I have decided that is impossible. Many people are lucky to discover what their purpose is in life. Far less are lucky enough to fulfill that purpose. I do not want to be one of those people. There are things inside of me that I feel need to come out, specifically artistically within the mediums of Film, and Music. When my mother says to me, "you need to decide the one thing you want", I can not help but to reply, "but I want five things" - and that is the honest truth. I do not feel as though I was meant to do one thing solely and to call the rest a day. Why would God put so many desires and aspirations and goals inside me that I struggle to hold on to every moment that I am working a job that I truly do not enjoy.

2011 has got to be about purpose. At 23 years old and recently admitted to graduate school, I want to make that list of the top five things I want out of life and go hard to get it. There is no reason I have to limit myself. Limits and boundaries are not the same thing - you have to know when to stop but also when to press on.

The Wielding of Power

Tonight I observed a crime, and it's probably not what you are thinking. I was at work helping a customer. The customer needed to make a phone call related to the transaction that we were working on, and while she made that call, I proceeded to play the most popular game ever made for a smart-phone...Angry Birds. As I briefly indulge in the game while sitting at my desk, a man leans over the counter behind me and says, "Are you just going to play your game or are you going to help me?"

I was a bit surprised as I put the Motorola XOOM down on the counter and I told him that we were all assisting customers, and since he had signed in to be helped, we would assist him as soon as one of us were free. He continued to complain about how the customers I was helping had come in after him, and had not signed in - which was a lie - and how I wasn't doing anything and he shouldn't have to wait to be helped, etc, etc. At this point, I reemphasized the fact that we would assist him as soon as we were free. At that point, my customer actually butted in and said, "Sir you are being really rude. He was helping us and still is helping us, and what you said and how you said it was completely unnecessary."

So the man replies, "You don't want to go down that road." "Why not?", she said, "You don't have any reason to be as rude as you just were." The man replies, "You really don't want to make a big deal about this because you don't know who you're talking to or who am I or what I do." Now at this point, I'm thinking he's about to clap all of us - real talk. I didn't know what to think about how brazen this dude was acting...well that's actually not true. The first thing that came to mind was "white privilege" but I'll leave that one alone for now because it got even better.

The man's daughter began asking her Dad to calm down, relax, and leave the situation alone - but he wouldn't. He kept going on about how no one wanted to make a big deal about the situation. But the truth was, he was being ridiculous and my customer just had the balls to say it. So the man, in his final act of desperation, reaches into his pocket...and pulls out his wallet...which contained a badge...A BADGE.

This dude was a cop. I couldn't believe it. The last thing I thought he would do would be pull out a badge and claim that he would call a squad car on the woman for BREACH OF PEACE!? My dude, you are the breach of peace. Truthfully, he was picked on in school, and found that he could wield some twisted form of judicial power by becoming a police officer and asserting some asinine representation civil servitude. He ended up leaving after asking the manager on duty for my name and card and she refused to give it to him.

I have heard all the cop stories, all the harassment and abuse tales in the "streets" and such, but I have never seen a police officer OFF DUTY flash a badge and claim BREACH OF PEACE on PRIVATE PROPERTY because a grown woman told you that you were being obnoxious? If that's not a power trip then I've never seen one. He completely put a bad taste in my mouth about the law, and for all the good cops that exist in the world, that purpose to serve the community justly and with honor and dignity, there still must exist that jerk that can only feel like a man when he makes himself look like a douche. Sorry to be distasteful on the blog post, but that was an outrageous display of disrespect for not only the law that he is supposed to represent, but the respect he should have for other human beings.

2011

We are only 2 weeks into 2011. The time is going by pretty fast for me, fast than I wish it would in certain respects. I want more time with family, friends, and loved ones; I want to accelerate my career track and accomplish all of the goals I have in my mind; I want to wake up and only do what I want to do and have obligations that only I deem important. But don't we all. It is a bit far fetched at the moment to be full of such demands though it is one of the only ways I stay focused on the desires of my heart.

Patience will be my biggest lesson of 2011. Patience is said to be a virtue, and what is virtue? Can anyone answer that question? How can we be virtuous in a world like this? I don't ask that question to be pessimistic, simply to be inquisitive. All great things should take time. Someone very close to me recently shared that without work and trials, appreciation for dreams attained or goals acquired is just not as sweet. Our world today is very demanding - not demanding because of the lives we live but because of the stress we put on ourselves. Our world has made us impatient beings who are obsessed with being satisfied at every minute of our day, to be focused on fulfilling the consumption of some data, information, or emotion that will make us feel whole either consciously or without our knowledge.

Patience must be the key to success and happiness. Happiness is not perfection, but the acceptance that imperfection will exist. Can you deal? I am trying to.

The Past, Present, and Future

So, I've noticed that it is incredibly difficult for human beings to let go of the past. Whether it be their past, or the past of others, we seem to find reason to hold on to things that will remain forever fixed in time. Such an action has got to be exhausting, and additionally very time consuming. We owe it to ourselves to let go of the past.

Now I understand, there are certain things that can not be forgotten. And while this may be easier said than done, we are normally the ones that suffer the most if we remain attached to circumstances, words, and decisions that have been set in stone and won't ever be altered. Some one once said to me that "the past dictates the present, and shapes the future." That is true if you believe in causality - which most of us do. Still, on a separate occasion, it was said to me that "worry does not make the future; actions make the future."

This life is all about choices. Most of them are difficult and require us to swallow our pride in order to move on. As humans, we hate it when our mistakes, decisions, and words are thrown back in our face, especially if we are not proud of some of those things. So quickly we cast the first stone, and forget that at our very core we all exhibit the same similarities and characteristics that shape our communal identity as humanity.

We have all seen the live, laugh, love phrase. It's time we do just that. Forgive those who need your forgiveness most, and do not deny yourself the happiness that you desire more than anything. You may be the only person standing in your way to having the future that you deserve. Grant an opportunity for present actions to shape future circumstances. The past is no longer yours, but the future is yours completely.

October Reflections

[click on "October Reflections" for a musical accompaniment]

I feel slightly awkward having not posted anything in several months. It's actually more like 6 months but it is what it is. Summer was cool and I appreciate everything it gave me. The transition between Summer and Fall is normally when I suffer from runny noses, sneezing, and weird throat annoyances, but it is also the time when Connecticut seems the most beautiful, the most peaceful, and the most comfortable. A lot of things have happened since my birthday. Some things I can change; others may remain forever fixed in the catacombs of life. Regardless, I seek this opportunity in beautiful Fall weather to examine the Man that I have become, and to improve the mentality that I exited college with. Now that I am a Man, I must put away childish things.

My mother always told me that I was impatient, irritable, and sometimes plain mean. I always would contest that there was nothing wrong with me, but that people were merely incapable of sharing my understanding of circumstances and situations. I expressed an unwillingness to acknowledge three very important truths about the lives that we share with each other on this planet: we are all imperfect, are susceptible to being unbalanced, and must gain awareness to live in peace with each other. This goes for all relationships that stem from human interaction - both personal and professional.

I wondered why people didn't like me in college, or thought that I was just a plain jerk. It's absolutely because I was. I would say, "who gives a fuck what anybody thinks?" Statements like that dug me into a hole. I was the first person wondering why it seemed like people wanted to stay away from me, and it was simply because I was like a bomb that was ready to carry out a mission of social offenses and unkindness with no regard or consideration for the feelings of those around me. I did this to family members, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, significant others. Somehow it was easier for me to go easy on people I didn't know, and in some strange sick way, I had this seemingly natural tendency to apply pressure and sometimes verbal abuse to those who I claimed to care for and love. I thought I was showing support by being critical and judgmental. Maybe people would see how I wanted better for them by me pointing out everything about them that didn't make sense to me - Absurd. This seemingly natural tendency was not natural at all, it was a sickness of the mind that I had acquired through the denial of my insecurity, and stimulated through my refusal to accept myself for who I am and others for who they are.

When you're by yourself, you have plenty of time to seek out the introspective corridors that make up the fabric of your spirit and mind. I've learned I struggle with patience, kindness, self-righteousness, sensitivity, self-image, confidence, dedication, complacency, procrastination, self-pity, self-doubt, envy, and arrogance. For the life of me, I can't figure out when I became this monster that suffers from these terrible characteristics. This isn't who God made me to be. Somewhere along the line, I chose to assume these identifying marks. It has ruined my ability to think rationally, objectively, and kindly towards others. Weed didn't help either, but I kicked that habit 174 days ago.

I'll be turning 23 this Spring, and I can't afford to continue to live this way. I decided to write down that list I mentioned in the previous paragraph, and research the definitions of each in order to identify why it is important that I reverse those cycles in my life indefinitely. Putting my action plan down on paper has made me more accountable to myself, and reminds me of the commitment I've decided to make as a Man to improve myself for my own sake, and for the sake of those I interact with on a daily basis. The Bible says Love is the greatest commandment. That's pretty simple. You don't have to believe the Bible to acknowledge the truth in that statement.

I've identified so many instances where I just get irritable because I don't feel like repeating myself, explaining myself, or maybe I just think this person should just understand this fact or situation because I do. In situations like that, I've responded like a jerk and hurt or offended many people around me. How ridiculous is that? Who am I to do such a thing? I am no different than my peers, in that we all share the common thread of human nature that unfortunately, can cripple us into misidentifying our own faults, or more dangerously, make excuses for them.

I choose now to not make excuses anymore for this awful behavior. The past 10 months, I've learned more about myself than I have in the past 21 years. I will make the next 21 even better, and even if I can't regain all that I've lost, I will gain a mentality and understanding that will serve me well for the rest of my life. This is a daily cleansing that will take time, but will be with the trial, error, and effort.

New Beginnings

Greetings. My life has been quite interesting since I last posted, and I'm not even sure when that was. My weeks are filled with daily commutes, paying bills, and steadily working towards my true professional goals in music. It seems like things are falling into place in a way that can only be divinely orchestrated, but still I must continue to do my part so that I can see the dream being fulfilled all the way through. We often stop short of our dreams, desires, and needs when we don't act to achieve them. It is so easy to say we need or want something, but it's more than difficult to work towards it when everything around you seems to be telling you it wont happen and that you are wasting your time.

Don't fall victim to that line of thinking. Purpose to do everything in your power to achieve everything you need and want. Write it down on a list and start doing something every day to get there - and let God take care of the rest. Burdens have to be cast on him because we can't carry the load on our own - we are Human Beings, weak and fragile in nature. But we can be strong and have everything that is ours if we approach the situations that life presents us in the proper way. I'm not sure how all of this applies to those of you who are reading, but I hope it helps you see some things through in your life. It's your life to live.

A Long Awaited Update

Greetings. This has been an interesting 2 months since my last post. A lot of things have been going on. God has definitely been blessing me. School ended with a bang, and I made it out after having the best semester of my college career - about a 3.65 overall. I had plans to attend graduate school but that didn't work out the way I hoped it would, but things happen the way they are supposed to. I still want to call them [The New School] and find out exactly why they denied me..but more on that later.

Through graduation money, I was able to finance the construction of a massive multi-media computer based on Windows 7 64bit. It is straight beast - I'll put it up against any iMac that you think may be more powerful and I guarantee my computer will crush it. [Quad-core i5, 4gb Ram (can go up to 16gb), 1 TB HD, USB 3.0, Firewire, Surround Sound - all for less than $800] It's been a pain trying to reconfigure all of my software on this machine, but its proven to be rewarded at the same time. This "studio" is really beginning to take shape. All I need now is a microphone, which I will be purchasing in the coming months. The first thing I will do in the meantime is work on my Re-Mastered Version of Prince's "Purple Rain" album - it's long over due.

God found me a job at Verizon. I'm very thankful because I know there are people who have been out of school for over a year who still are without employment. Entering the workforce is exciting because now I can really make some MONEY - and my studio now has corporate sponsorship: i.e. money from Verizon = studio equipment. But unfortunately that won't be the only expenditure that I'll need to attend to. Student loans will begin very soon, and so will my car note and other assorted bills that I will need to pay. Still I will count it all joy, I could have nothing to be thankful for and I have so much. I hope you all are thankful for the things you have, because there are many people who would kill for the lives most of us are privileged to have.

Purple Rain Remastered coming soon...

Birthday Reflections

As I finish the celebration of my 22nd birthday, I can only begin to reflect on the previous year in hopes that I will learn some new things and become a better human being. I've tried to think intently about my actions and relationships over the past 365 days...some of which is exciting, and some of which is troubling. As I get older, and examine myself more closely, I am really beginning to see some of the issues that I have, but more importantly, how these issues can be quickly fixed if I put forth the appropriate effort. Selflessness is a skill-set that I am slowing trying to master. At times, people can find it quite difficult to think outside of themselves, but there are times to be selfish and there are times to roll with the punches. I have a problem with dealing with sudden change and surprises. I don't like having to deal with situations that I can't control. I have a fairly abrasive nature that tends to push people away from me and simultaneously, I force myself into isolation. The most frightening part is that these characteristics have become almost second nature to me. I asked myself: where did this come from? How did it get this bad? Who or what am I damaging as a result of this thought process?

Unequivocally, I deduced that this comes from an insecurity of self, and a twisted and yet conscious effort to disregard feelings of others in order to protect myself. I was being damaged, and my relationships were being affected as well. I decided that I don't want to spend my big 22 living the same way, thinking the same way, or treating those around me the same way. I want to turn 23, and be able to quantify the change that I instituted into my lifestyle, my thoughts, and my personal connections with those around me. Self reflection is a major piece in growing as an individual. The way you see the world is not the only way the world is seen. Therefore, one cannot go through life acting as such. Life will become more difficult, more stressful, less meaningful, and not as enjoyable.

I can only purpose to analyze my mistakes and more importantly, change them into strengths. As we get older, we must get stronger, wiser, and more efficient with the ways in which we lead our lives. If we don't do that, then what's the point of living? How can you do great things, if you can't do the little things?

the 2010 Lover

As I begin this post, I'm not exactly sure what I want to say, or how I want to say it for that matter. Still, I feel the urge to put down some words in regards to how my life has me feeling at this moment. Every day I realize more and more that I am imperfect and it kills me. Being a perfectionist is an impossible task when you exist in a world built upon imperfections. We wander through life trying to find sustaining value that will keep our heads up high when we want to lower them in shame, and sometimes the sources of clarity and peace that we gravitate towards can simply be mirages of hope that will be snatched away when things are at their toughest.

It's so hard to trust when it seems that when you are at your worst, people want to vanish from your side - when in fact it should be those that claim to Love you that want to see you all the way through the process of really overcoming the difficulties and discomfort that affect our lives in ways that only as individuals can we understand. To Love is not to be around when people are at their best: Love is the act of unconditional sacrifice. You should never use the word until you know what it really means. Those who are distrusting of the inconstant world in which we live, will never learn to trust or Love if they expect everything to be perfect, and then run when the realities of life's imperfect nature, and Love's uncertain character, is revealed to them.

We don't have many chances to Love - truly Love - in our lifetimes. We can't be so quick to pass up opportunities to experience one of the greatest pleasures life can offer a human being, nor can we be so quick to withdraw when those we have claimed to Love have hurt us simply out of their own fear and insecurity about Love and life. I'm not talking about cheating, simply about insecurities and improvements of self. One should be the sustaining force that heals that fear, and quells that insecurity, thereby strengthening the bond that has been set in place until it is fortified and unmovable. If one ever thought true Love would be easy then there may need to be further clarification; likewise, to a certain point one must be willing to objectively adjust their state of mind to understand the shortcomings of those who are closest to them, and not retreat for their own sake - since this will void the claims of Love and commitment that was once claimed to be given and shared.

Big Booty Judy

I've been listening to R&B for as long as I can remember. 'Sweet Love' by Anita Baker was the first song I remember singing (thanks to my father) and since then, I have always loved the genre that in theory is DEDICATED to Love and the expressions of it. Call me a sap if you want, my iTunes is deep and diverse so I wouldn't try it. Point being, Chris Brown is the King of R&B. I don't care about Rihanna; I don't care about Trey Songz; I don't care that Graffiti didn't sell as well as his previous 2 albums. While Trey's voice may have a more aesthetically pleasing tone, his vocal performance capabilities in comparison to Mr. Brown are, plainly put, quite limited. Not to mention, Trey's musical pallet that he has presented in his first 3 albums and several mixtapes, is quite cliche and reminiscent of a recycled R&B tradition that stems from R. Kelly in the early 1990s. My A&R/Dominican Cousin Pedro would disagree with me but, whatever.

Most girls are going to hate me for saying these things, but most of them are probably just looking at his physical appearance, are satisfied with his mediocre musical presentations because of the point previously stated, and aren't listening to the records. Yes, records - not songs. A song is what the public hears; records are listening to songs from a comparative and creative perspective: e.g. a movie vs. a film.

Enough about all of that. Chris dropped a mixtape on Valentine's Day called "In My Zone". My favorite tracks are "Don't Lie", "Glow In The Dark", and last but not least, "Big Booty Judy". I'm not normally the fan of ignorant goon influenced/crunk R&B but this mixtape is a tribute to just that, in conjunction with a well designed plea to his female fans across the world to enjoy listening to his musical love-making side on V-Day. You can get the download here. This post could probably be better, but that's what tomorrow is for. Peace Family.

Leave It In the Past

So 2010 has brought me some interesting things...

I've already learned some very valuable lessons in 2010. We've got to learn how to leave the past in the past. As human beings we can do a bad job of moving on with life, and forgetting those times when things didn't go our way, people hurt us, or we just plainly made bad decisions. Our inability to move on with our own trials and bullshit in life can effect the ones we Love way more than we realize at times. Recently, I hurt someone close to me because of my inability to let go of the past. Its particularly bad since I am the one always stressing how people need to move on and not dwell on things that will remain unchanged for the rest of time. Think about that next time you start to think about insignificant things. Its a waste of energy to give precedence to thoughts, words, and actions that should remain buried in the calendar. No one wants to hurt the people we Love, so simply put, don't do it. We all make choices and have the ability to reason about what is necessary and what is insignificant. You will have a hard time growing as an individual if you don't learn these things, and that will only impede your ability to grow in the close personal relationships - romantic and platonic - that we all deep down know that we desire and need.

That is all, more later....

It's Been A Long Time...Let's Catch Up

Greetings Everyone...I've been meaning to update this blog for a few months now, but my life just isn't that interesting at Wesleyan. I only have one semester left and it will be bittersweet for the obvious reasons. Enduring the real world will be a transition but I anxiously await the challenge. I did pretty well in regards to my classes [B-,B+,A- and I'm waiting on the last one come on Professor...] I am using this Winter break to plan out the rest of my life, at least for the next several years.

Graduate school is on the horizon and I never thought it would be. I never saw myself as an "Academic" per say, though I can admit that as I have grown as a student and individual over the past 3 1/2 years, I now feel like I have a bit more to prove to myself in the classroom in order to make up for my mediocre record at the beginning. 2 Ds my freshman year are sucking the life out of my GPA and without them I would have a 3.4 but alas, I hover around a 3. The graduate school study in Media is what I'm working towards. 18 months in New York City to get a masters degree and build my musical network as I work towards my goal of becoming a legit music producer/songwriter and executive. We'll see how that goes...and by the way Valentines Day I'm dropping a mixtape tentatively titled "OverRated/Romance". It will be a powerful introduction to my music for all of those who have never heard it, and for those who have been consistent supporters all of this time. Stay Tuned...

Finally, I need to speak on 2009. This year was great for so many reasons, though it was not devoid of its own challenges and issues. So many of us have dealt with, overcome, and accomplished so many powerful and amazing things. I don't want any of you to forget what you've done, and what you've learned - about yourself and others - because it is all vital in order to continue on to a path of success, and hopefully the path that God has for all of you whether you want to believe it or not. Let 2010 be the year that you break out of your shell or free yourself from whatever is holding you back. Go get what you want and claim what you deserve. Peace outtt