[click on "October Reflections" for a musical accompaniment]
I feel slightly awkward having not posted anything in several months. It's actually more like 6 months but it is what it is. Summer was cool and I appreciate everything it gave me. The transition between Summer and Fall is normally when I suffer from runny noses, sneezing, and weird throat annoyances, but it is also the time when Connecticut seems the most beautiful, the most peaceful, and the most comfortable. A lot of things have happened since my birthday. Some things I can change; others may remain forever fixed in the catacombs of life. Regardless, I seek this opportunity in beautiful Fall weather to examine the Man that I have become, and to improve the mentality that I exited college with. Now that I am a Man, I must put away childish things.
My mother always told me that I was impatient, irritable, and sometimes plain mean. I always would contest that there was nothing wrong with me, but that people were merely incapable of sharing my understanding of circumstances and situations. I expressed an unwillingness to acknowledge three very important truths about the lives that we share with each other on this planet: we are all imperfect, are susceptible to being unbalanced, and must gain awareness to live in peace with each other. This goes for all relationships that stem from human interaction - both personal and professional.
I wondered why people didn't like me in college, or thought that I was just a plain jerk. It's absolutely because I was. I would say, "who gives a fuck what anybody thinks?" Statements like that dug me into a hole. I was the first person wondering why it seemed like people wanted to stay away from me, and it was simply because I was like a bomb that was ready to carry out a mission of social offenses and unkindness with no regard or consideration for the feelings of those around me. I did this to family members, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, significant others. Somehow it was easier for me to go easy on people I didn't know, and in some strange sick way, I had this seemingly natural tendency to apply pressure and sometimes verbal abuse to those who I claimed to care for and love. I thought I was showing support by being critical and judgmental. Maybe people would see how I wanted better for them by me pointing out everything about them that didn't make sense to me - Absurd. This seemingly natural tendency was not natural at all, it was a sickness of the mind that I had acquired through the denial of my insecurity, and stimulated through my refusal to accept myself for who I am and others for who they are.
When you're by yourself, you have plenty of time to seek out the introspective corridors that make up the fabric of your spirit and mind. I've learned I struggle with patience, kindness, self-righteousness, sensitivity, self-image, confidence, dedication, complacency, procrastination, self-pity, self-doubt, envy, and arrogance. For the life of me, I can't figure out when I became this monster that suffers from these terrible characteristics. This isn't who God made me to be. Somewhere along the line, I chose to assume these identifying marks. It has ruined my ability to think rationally, objectively, and kindly towards others. Weed didn't help either, but I kicked that habit 174 days ago.
I'll be turning 23 this Spring, and I can't afford to continue to live this way. I decided to write down that list I mentioned in the previous paragraph, and research the definitions of each in order to identify why it is important that I reverse those cycles in my life indefinitely. Putting my action plan down on paper has made me more accountable to myself, and reminds me of the commitment I've decided to make as a Man to improve myself for my own sake, and for the sake of those I interact with on a daily basis. The Bible says Love is the greatest commandment. That's pretty simple. You don't have to believe the Bible to acknowledge the truth in that statement.
I've identified so many instances where I just get irritable because I don't feel like repeating myself, explaining myself, or maybe I just think this person should just understand this fact or situation because I do. In situations like that, I've responded like a jerk and hurt or offended many people around me. How ridiculous is that? Who am I to do such a thing? I am no different than my peers, in that we all share the common thread of human nature that unfortunately, can cripple us into misidentifying our own faults, or more dangerously, make excuses for them.
I choose now to not make excuses anymore for this awful behavior. The past 10 months, I've learned more about myself than I have in the past 21 years. I will make the next 21 even better, and even if I can't regain all that I've lost, I will gain a mentality and understanding that will serve me well for the rest of my life. This is a daily cleansing that will take time, but will be with the trial, error, and effort.
