Before I continue, I want it to be known that I am not perfect, and I am guilty of being an asshole on plenty of occasions, and certainly I have dropped the ball more than one time. Nonetheless, it's truly impressive to me that these people in question, are people who have come out of their mouth and stated that they always wanted me in their life because of the value I added. This is a value I may not have seen in myself, but value that can benefit the lives of others regardless. I am usually happy to oblige such requests as long as I don't feel like I'm being taken advantaged of.
However, I've learned as my twenties have progressed, that people honestly deep down don't care about anyone or anything except themselves and how they feel in the moment. Living in the moment is the greatest weakness of humanity. You know we live in a society now where people say "you only live once" and things like that. That is obviously true. However, this living in the moment thing has pros and cons. People are so quick to act on their feelings that they ignore the facts about a situation. The fact is, that feelings are not facts. And if someone adds priceless value to your life, how can you be so quick to judge them when the wind blows in the other direction? How you feel, does not make a difference to those around you. And those who claim the contrary prove my point further, as they are living in the moment, and will soon forget those words at their earliest convenience.
See, don't be an asshole to me and then expect me to forget. I won't. Don't whine to me about the things I do, and then act brand new if I bring one of my concerns up at a later time. It is truly AMAZING to me how evident the putridness of human nature has become since my big 21. Don't get me wrong, humans have been compromised since the Garden of Eden, I just didn't have the awareness until about 3 years ago. Every single day I encounter situations and circumstances that actually leave me flabbergasted, wondering how people can be so caught up in their own la-la land and can change things up on you in an instant. One minute I am high on the list, the next I am not even given the courtesy of a response to a text or a phone call.
I will remember these things. I like to believe that this social tribulation in life is a direct result of the greatness that is to come for me. Being back home in New Haven was supposed to be a joy post Wesleyan. It has turned into a burden. My only real desire is to be taken seriously and it seems like those who have known me the longest and the most intimately, are those most resistant to honor that request. Shameful, because long after you have forgotten, and the cyclical time clock brings you back around and interested in my friendship once again, I'll be forced to review the film and re-evaluate from scratch. It's unfortunate for others that they live in the moment and aren't thinking about the truth of the matter, which is what you do to me today will effect how I will treat you tomorrow. And when you bring this up, people are quick to say, "Why are you still holding on to that? That was so long ago. That doesn't matter anymore - stop being bitter", etc... Save it. The asshole in me is by request only - never volunteered.
Showing up for friendship camp when it's convenient for you, after showing your ass and all of its colors, is not an option. If someone's friendship if valuable to you, make sure you show them and not just tell them. Because words are the very thread by which lies are sewn together. Until next time...
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